Love yourself, and you're set.

"Love yourself, and you're set." 

- Lady Gaga Born This Way

December first. End of the year is upon us and I'm starting, as I always do, to take stock of what has passed. In August, I made an announcement that I would be running my first ever half marathon on February 23rd, 2014. I'm still on track with that goal, but it took me a month or two to really get into the swing of training for it. I guess that's why I set goals far in advance - I know in my heart of hearts that I'll need some time to wrap my head around what I'm doing. 

Then, there comes a time when your wiser self chimes in and says, "Sarah, can it. Stop thinking and head out the door running." And that time is here. Although I took last Saturday through Thursday off for Thanksgiving, I've run the past three consecutive days. Nothing crazy mind you. A mile on Friday, a mile and a half with Charlie on Saturday and 4 miles today, again with Charlie. It feels good to be running again.

Some thoughts:

RUNNING with CHARLIE

Charlie's new favorite game is "chase", which is funny for a kid who cannot walk. He scoots around, army style, while the chaser feigns running with heavy breathing and lots of loud footfall. Then Charlie inches his way around the house, looking back periodically, giggling all the while. He loves when I take him for a run, because it feels like a game of chase. He's out in front while I huff and puff - always just behind him. So he starts giggling uncontrollable while we're running and his legs kick in the air as if he's running away. It's the sweetest thing ever.

LOVING YOURSELF

For me, running is not about speed or distance or time or competition or even getting thin or losing weight. It is about feeling free. When I feel free and in charge of the moment, I can't help but feel deep love and gratitude towards myself. And this feeling, this well of love and gratitude seeps out into every other part of my day. And it's a great reason to simply get up and get out the door. 

On my run this morning with Charlie.

Secret Worlds

Envy. It's a strange emotion. The kicker is that the envy we feel is usually based on a story / lie we tell ourselves about the person or object we envy. It's so easy to look at another woman and think, "she has got it all together and she's adorable to boot." This is never true. She may be adorable, but she does not have it all together.

Unfortunately, the internet seems to be a breeding ground for this kind of emotion. Facebook is definitely one of the largest envy playing fields. But blogs are also a kind of envy-making machine. (I just read a great post about this by my friend Hilary - click HERE to read it.) I've been on both ends of this - feeling envious of the lives and homes of my fellow bloggers and also receiving emails from readers who have a singular view of my supposed "togetherness". But as I said before, none of these things are true.

While I was away this past week at an art and writing retreat, I came upon the quote below by Neil Gaimen. I immediately wrote it in my journal. (I think this is the first time I've ever shown anyone my journal!) Anyway, I think this is important... if we assume the "self" someone chooses to share on the internet is the whole store, then we are robbing ourselves of a deeper truth - "Everybody has a secret world inside of them." Every single person. And that secret world is far more faceted, unorthodox, quirky, astonishing and beautiful than anything that can be conveyed on Facebook. Don't sell your friends short and please, whatever you do, give yourself the credit you deserve. You are a walking, talking reflection of the earth's multitudinous gifts.

My "I Did It" lists, which I post every Monday, are a tool for me to look back and take stock of my week. Sometimes they are chocked full of amazing moments and sometimes they look like THIS. They remind me of a saying my Grandpa John used to recite: "Life is like a ketchup bottle, first comes none and then a lottle."

The "I Did It" List

worked out on Wednesday (so sore)

signed up for the Tabata Bootcamp series at Positively Fit Lake Highlands

attended the Squam Art Workshops in New Hampshire

went on two dates with my husband

knitted a cowl scarf

went to the theater and saw "A Raisin in the Sun"

did two photo shoots for Houzz.com

finalized the date and location for my solo art show

constructed a compost bin

hosted a baby shower

...and finally something secret that I can't share with you yet - but soon! 

Building the New

Today, after more than three months without real continuous exercise, I returned to class at Positively Fit Lake Highlands. Dragging myself out of bed was tough, but rummaging through my closet for workout clothes that still fit was the hardest and most humiliating part of the process. I was feeling defeated and embarrassed because I've allowed so much weight to creep back over the past season. I was feeling angry at having to start over. I was feeling stupid for having thrown away all of my "fat" jeans. I was feeling resentful of my children for requiring so much of my time that my own needs have slipped into seventh or eighth place in the family line-up. I was feeling sorry and exasperated and weak and all of the things that come with my special form of self-loathing.

Stop.   Breathe.   Stop fighting old thoughts.   It's time to rebuild.

Yes, class was difficult. I was winded and out of sorts. But I was happy to be with Mallory (friend and class instructor), working out and talking about strength training, energy stores, family vacations, musical theater and open-hearted children. She said, "You're not beginning again, you are continuing." She's right. I've had a few months off. But in the course of what I hope is a long life, what's a few months? It's time to press on. I'm not a beginner anymore, I'm a continuer.

Kayaking Up Stream

I have just returned from a three day weekend in Las Vegas where I was teaching an art and writing workshop at Selah - an art salon in the Fremont district. I had a marvelous time with the six participants who joined the class and loved working with the women who own and operate Selah. If you're ever in the Las Vegas area looking for something creative and uplifting, please check out their workshop calendar!  Here are some photos from our class, where everyone created a self portrait:

This is my last full week in Utah before heading home to Dallas! The time has flown. I've been thrilled with the quiet, the open space and the time to be with my little family. It's such a boon to run away every summer, peel off the daily appointments, medical meetings and hassles and live each day for itself.

After my last post, where I was feeling defeated and generally lost at sea, I received a few poignant emails from friends and readers. One in particular offered a beautiful message. I don't think she'll mind if I post it here, because it will benefit you just as much as it benefited me.

"I'm thinking more about the general struggle of it all (weight loss, health, etc). Here's what I think: its like swimming upstream. You can do it for a while, but it is exhausting and overwhelming and never ending. And eventually you tire and get pushed back downstream. But I think there is another way. When I was a kid my dad taught me how to cross a river in a kayak. You don't paddle straight there, you aim your boat in a diagonal so that the current helps propel you across. I'm sure there's a term for it. This is sticking in my head as a good metaphor for what I am trying to do."

I love this idea of allowing the river to help propel you in the direction of your goal rather than risking a full capsize by steering directly in the direction of you goal. My life right now is such that I cannot give 100 percent of my attention to weight loss. This, however, doesn't mean that I can't make healthy choices as I move towards my goal.

I am juicing. I am walking. I am resting well. I am creating art. I am writing. I am working. I am mothering my children. I am cooking at home. I am traveling. And I am following three or four other dreams as well. Through all of this, my weight is holding steady. I am going to let the river help propel me forward. Like my brilliant friend wrote above - "there is another way" than steadfast focus on weight loss.

The "I Did It" List

taught an art and writing workshop 

painted a self portrait

sold some artwork

visited with dear friends who I haven't seen in years

went on a date with my mother and shared a bottle of wine

drank green juice most mornings

cut down on my coffee intake

ate some lovely fresh food

drank lots of water

took a long walk

took my son to swim lessons

had a casting meeting with an artistic director of a theater

answered some important emails

got a raise with one of my freelance writing jobs

helped someone else's baby fall asleep

hugged a bunch of people

My Own Kind of Beautiful

Its been a successful week on the path to health and vitality. Here in Utah, I'm surrounded by gorgeous actors and artists who work for the Shakespeare Festival. They are an enlivening group whom I deeply admire. Most of the women and men who do this kind of work have to keep themselves looking great - they have to rest and eat well and exercise just to stay in the game, be cast and then grind out night after night of rehearsals and shows. Actors tend to be beautiful. It's the nature of the beast, I suppose.  But the thing I notice most is that their confidence and presence comes not from possessing beauty, but by embracing their own kind of beauty and turning that uniqueness into a commodity. This week, I'm inspired by this group of thespians who remind me to offer what I have to give. Claim what is mine and let that unique beauty be the guide, rather than some unattainable standard set by our society.

The quote below came to me via my husband.

I though I'd share it here.

"The only thing you have to offer another human being, ever, is your own state of being. You can cop out only just so long, saying, “I’ve got all this nice stuff, I know all this and I can do all this.” But everything you do, whether you’re cooking food or doing therapy or being a student or being a lover, you are only doing your own being, you’re only manifesting how evolved a consciousness you are. That’s what you’re doing with another human being. That’s the only dance there is! When you’re protesting against somebody, the degree of consciousness with which you’re protesting determines how well they can hear what it is you’re really saying. And consciousness does not mean attachment to polarity, at any level. It means freedom from attachment. And once you see that the highest mother is the mother who is the most conscious mother, the highest student, the highest therapist, the highest lover, the highest anything is the most conscious one, you begin to see that the way you serve another human being is by freeing him from the particular attachments he’s stuck in that turn him off to life. You realize that the only thing you have to do for other human beings is to keep yourself really straight, and then do whatever it is you do."

The "I Did It" List

juiced five out of seven days

attended a two hour yoga class

went jogging / cross training 4 out of seven days

enjoyed a date with my husband

took my family to Zion National Park and didn't lose my shit when Charlie threw a fit

slept in one morning until 9:30am (thank you Jack)

went to the grocery store and didn't by anything in a box, a can or a jar - just living stuff

Old Habits Die Hard

As I sit down to write this post I feel like a bad friend who said she would call and then didn't. And then when a week turned into two and then three, calling seemed silly and pointless. But I'm back, making that long awaited call. Hoping that you're still here.

I've spent the last three weeks in technical rehearsals for a show and then opening and running that show. All of my time has been spoken for. Even my family is wondering when I'll re-engage.  The show has been lots of fun and I'm SO thrilled to be acting again. But I'm also feeling totally out of my element - my routine shattered and old habits finding new footing. 

Confession time: I've gained back almost 30 pounds since the fall.  What?  30?  Yes.  30.  I worked my ass off and lost 75 and then gained 30 of it back.  You know what it feels like to lose 75 pounds in a big public way and then gain 30 back?  Kind of shitty.  

Luckily, I've got this blog.  I wrote down everything I did and now I'm going to retrace my steps and re-lose that weight.  Yep.  Welcome summer shred!  My show closes next week and I will once again be making the trip to Cedar City, Utah where my husband works every summer.  I began and ended my Smaller Sarah year in Utah and it seems the perfect place to pick up and start again.  

So here's the scoop: Starting on May 1st, I will be re-introducing a mostly raw diet. Once I'm in Utah, I'll also start running again. I would like to drop 40 pounds in 4 months.  That means 10 pounds a month with a final weigh-in on September 1st.  As I begin again, I am reminded of a post I wrote to a reader who emailed asking 'what do you do when you get discouraged?'  You can read it by clicking HERE. Here's another pick-me-up from September of 2012: click HERE. All of this just to say, I did it once... I can do it again!

source

In other news... 

I just found this amazing 3 minute ad that Dove posted on You Tube.  

I thought it was perfect to share here at Smaller Sarah.  

Taking Time

Hello dear readers.  It's been a while since I've posted here.  Day by day, my life is still spinning further and further away from center and I've been wrestling with my body, my calendar and my kids. I've had an enormous surge of creative energy these past weeks and a simultaneous need to withdraw a bit from the interwebs.  September and October proved to be a time of huge transition for me personally and I still feel the ground shifting below me. And overall, my time away from the blog has been productive but also a time of quiet assessment.

I'm healthy and attending boot camp classes.  My schedule is about to change providing an opportunity to add a run class at Positively Fit to my week. I'm also planning a green juice fast beginning the second week in November.  I'll spend the next week increasing my intake of greens and diminishing my meat and carbs in an attempt to make the most of the fast.  I had lots of success with this same juice fast in the spring and hope to have similar results the second time around.

I guess the latest news is that last week, I left my house for four nights on a self imposed writing retreat.  I'm in the process of organizing and finishing a book that I've been working on for a little while. The retreat helped me secure some valuable time to compose my thoughts and accomplish some mental heavy lifting.  It is so difficult to have and maintain any kind of a long thought arch with two little ones clamoring for my attention at all hours of the day. If you'd like to read more about my time away, click HERE.

My goal for the next few weeks is to be kind to myself.  I've been burning the candle at both ends and while I'm very pleased with the direction things are heading, I'm also noticing the signs of burn out.  An over-extended, exhausted mama is a useless mama.  So, a little self love is definitely in order.

Paintings for Positively Fit Lake Highlands

This month, I've been working on a trio of paintings for Mallory at Positively Fit Lake Highlands.  She has a wonderful workout studio in her garage and was interested in getting some art on the walls.  She gave me three words and a color scheme.  The rest, she said, was up to me.

I've just finished the paintings and thought you might enjoy seeing them here at Smaller Sarah.  Thank you Mallory for trusting me with this wonderful project. I hope that all the boot campers, yogis and clients that pass through your studio enjoy the new view!

I bought jeans.

Do you remember a year ago when I said I wouldn't buy a pair of jeans until I felt that I was at a comfortable weight?  Well, that time has come.  Yesterday, a little Eddie Bauer package arrived in the mail with my new jeans!  They fit well and I'm so happy I might buy a second pair in another wash.  My husband took these photos and insisted I give you both the front and rear view. So if you're offended by a little denim-wrapped keister, you know who to blame.

Weigh In - Week 66

Becoming "exquisitely comfortable with who I am" is a toughie.  Turning my gaze inward is usually really beneficial for me, but sometimes I bump into old junk that stops me in my tracks.  The process of settling into my new self is proving to be a slow one with lots of opportunities for back sliding.  But I'm content to stay with it or rather, in it - living the questions fully so that I can one day live the answers.

It's tough to come up with an "I Did It" list for this week... so here goes nothing:

The "I Did It" List

I attended two boot camp classes

we bought a used car so that I can take my son to therapy every day of the week

I watched a really funny episode of "Doc Martin" that I'd not seen before

I bought myself a pair of divinely soft PJs from the super discount rack at The Gap

I didn't slap anybody

Weigh In - Week 57

After years and years of wearing the same nursing bras, I finally hauled my boobies to Nordstroms on my birthday for a bra fitting and purchase. I've been complaining of ill fitting underwear for a while now. Why didn't I go in sooner for replacement underwear? I'm not sure.

A lovely tiny woman led me into a fitting room and asked what size bra I was currently wearing. I didn't know, so we took it off and looked at the faded tag.  44E.  That sounded about right.  She looked at me, smiled and said, "What size do you think you are now?" I didn't know. "Probably a 40DD, maybe a 38 pretty pretty please." I said.

She came back with a few under wire bras. I haven't worn an under wire since Clinton was in office. I slipped the first one on and it fit like a glove. I looked at the tag: 36D. After some quiet joyful squealing and a little happy dance, I tried on ten more bras.  It was so nice to be wearing something that wasn't a binding uni-boob vice. I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey. Not bad." I never ever ever think that when looking at myself in a dressing room mirror while trying on undergarments. My thoughts usually tend towards "Oh God why does it even matter what I wear under my shirt because it will never change the way I look or feel and just look at all the bulging bits and flaps and this is so embarrassing I'm just going to go home after stopping at the Starbucks for a grande caramel bomb Frappuccino".  To go from that to "Hey, not bad" is an enormous step in the right direction. My brain is finally starting to catch up with my body!

Pounds lost this week: 0

Pounds lost overall: 75

(still holding steady!)

The "I Did It" List

bought a bra (happy birthday to me)

did some clothes shopping as well and bought a skirt (gasp)

bought a new pair of cross trainers (happy birthday to me)

attended 2 boot camp classes

attended 3 yoga classes

juiced in 4 out of 7 mornings

went out to a vegetarian restaurant with my husband (happy birthday to me)

ordered a produce box from Bountiful Baskets

trained for my upcoming 5K this Sunday morning

went swimming with my kids twice

wore a bathing suit without cringing or covering my butt

felt loved

Weight Maintenance

Weight maintenance - its really important.  As you can see by my weekly weigh-ins, I've had many weeks when I didn't lose weight. Sure, I was bummed. Its always fun to step on the scale and tick off another pound. But as I get closer to my natural weight, I realize that I'll be in a weight maintenance period much longer than I ever was in a weight loss period.

I'm now nearing six weeks without a loss. But with all that I have going on I count this as a big success. I'm not gaining. I'm holding steady. My body has been through a big transition over the past year and sometimes it needs space to adjust to the new weight. Even if my weight loss slowed to a crawl and I only dropped a pound a month, I'd still make my goal weight in two years at the ripe old age of 35.  See what I mean? I'd still reach my goal. Weight loss is progress, but so is weight maintenance. Hold your ground, take stock of your situation, journal, notice, relax, enjoy, keep your eye on the prize and one day - maybe tomorrow, maybe next month - you'll see the pounds start moving again.

Do you count calories?

This post is part of a reader Q&A.  I'm more than happy to answer your questions about my weight loss process (or anything for that matter). My email button is on the sidebar. Just please remember that I am not a doctor, dietitian or a nutritionist.  These answers are absolutely specific to me and my personal journey.




Question: Do you count calories?
Nope. When I began looking into eating plans I quickly became overwhelmed with the point systems and calorie calculators and good calories vs. bad calories stuff.  I realize that these programs have merit and have worked beautifully for some people. But I knew early on that if I was going to stick with a healthy eating plan, counting calories was out. As I write this, the little voice inside my head is saying, "But Sarah, the only way to lose weight is to burn more calories that you consume! How do you expect to stay on top of your consumption if you have no idea how much you're eating?"

Honestly, I don't know how many calories I'm consuming. And I really don't care. I'm only concerned with one simple question: "Is this food a nutritious, healthy choice?" I didn't get fat by eating avocado sandwiches on sprouted grain bread. I didn't get fat eating fistfuls of raw nuts. I didn't get fat because I went overboard on the olive oil and almond butter. I got fat eating refined sugars, and refined carbs.  But I can't tell you how many diet books I've read that warn against the fat content of raw nuts, avocados and olive oil and offer instead a list of low fat food items laced with artificial sweeteners and preservatives. Weird, right? It just doesn't make intuitive sense to me.

Question: Do you write down everything you eat?
Nope. But I think its a great habit for some people. I am an avid journaler, and while I don't write down every morsel of food that touches my lips, I do write how I feel about what I'm eating. I'm more concerned with eating well and feeling well and that's what I write about. I also write down my gratitudes and accomplishments for the day. When I write about these things in an integrated way, I find that I am better able to integrate them in my life.

healthy food + active body + good thoughts + grateful heart = smaller sarah

If I were forced to write down my weight loss plan, it would be the equation above. I know when I've consumed good healthy food because I feel light and energized. And I know when I've had junk because I fell like ass in a bucket. For me, I equate writing down each bite with punishment. The only reason to write it down is if you ate something "off plan". I don't need a piece of paper staring back at me that says, "17 Oreo cookies and a Red Bull". I find it far more useful to address the emotional side affects of my food consumption in journal form. That's why instead of counting calories, I count the good feelings that came from the good food that allowed me to enjoy the good moments.

Weigh In - Week 54

It's been a crazy wonderful week. I've had a lot of personal victories that seem, at first, to have nothing to do with my Smaller Sarah journey. But the more I contemplate this past year and the events leading up to this week, the more I can see the connection to my Smaller Sarah choices. So here is my new-to-me-but-I-already-knew-it, age-old, the-Buddhists-have-been-telling-us-for-eons discovery: everything you do affects everything you do. Once I decided to treat my body better, eat healthier food and get some exercise, other avenues of creativity and authentic living opened their doors to me.

My time in Utah is coming to a close. I travel back home to Dallas this weekend for the Kenna Cup, a golf tournament benefiting my son, Charlie. My husband's annual theater gig in Cedar City is always such fun, but I'm ready to return to the comforts of my home. One of the things I did NOT bring with me on this trip was a scale. I've been taking undercover reconnaissance missions to the bath isle at Walmart to weigh myself on their collection of scales. This involves taking the scale out of the box without damaging the packaging, placing it on the floor and standing on it before an employee asks, "Can I help you" - the subtext being, "What the hell are you doing?"

I'm still holding steady with a 75 pound loss. I used to get bummed out when my weight loss would stall or even out. I'd watch the weeks tick by without a loss and think, "What am I doing wrong?" But not any more. I've become more comfortable with the ups and downs of weight loss. The body is a living breathing organism affected by thousands of influences. Some weeks I lose and some weeks I don't.  As long as I'm making authentic choices that are in line with my needs, then its all good. Besides, I'll be back to my boot camp routine starting June 25th and reunited with my juicer on the 22nd!

Pounds lost this week: 0 

Pounds lost overall: 75

The "I Did It" List

ran 2 miles on Thursday

attended a yoga class on Wednesday night

did four sets of push-ups and sit-ups while watching cartoons with my son

made some lovely raw soups, smoothies and salads

submitted my first paid article to Houzz.com as a freelance contributor

enjoyed seeing my own home showcased on Houzz.com

received multiple inquires from buyers interested in owning prints of my art work

surprised myself by taking off in a dead sprint after a frisbee gone astray without getting winded

P.S.  Mallory at Positively Fit Lake Highlands has made a fantastic offer to Smaller Sarah fans on Facebook. Kick start your fitness plan with two free classes in the month of July! This offer is for new clients. How do you redeem your two free classes? Become a fan of PFLH on Facebook by clicking "like"in the upper right hand corner.  Then send PFLH a message saying "Hi, I'm from Smaller Sarah and blah blah blah..."  So if you're not already a Smaller Sarah fan on Facebook, click HERE.  Then become a fan of Positively Fit Lake Highlands by clicking HERE and get your two free classes!

Reciprocity

I attended a yoga class on Wednesday at Sage Hills Healing Center - my third class in a week.  Melanie, the instructor, had the practitioners doing a physical gesture that looked like a swimming stroke. We all imagined that we were swimming in a Pranic Ocean. While we were "swimming" our little hearts out, she asked a series of questions that I've never really considered before.  She said, "Your heart works for you, but have you been working for your heart? Your liver and pancreas work so hard for you, but do you work for your liver and pancreas?" 

I was dumb struck. Then as I "swam" my mind carried it further. My bowels work for me, keeping me free from poisons and toxins, but do I work for my bowels?  My skin works for me, keeping me at a perfect temperature and eliminating dead cells.  But do I work for my skin?  My circulatory and nervous systems work so hard for me, but do I work for my systems? 

Certainly, I am working more for my body that I was a year ago.  However, I still continually put my health in jeopardy with day to day choices. We all do. I guess my time in the yoga studio with Melanie simply awakened me to the many ways in which I can better care for my organs, my systems and my physical body. Maybe one martini is enough. Perhaps a few french fries is sufficient. And when I do consume a food or imbibe a beverage, why not take an extra moment to thank my body for absorbing the nutrients, transforming the energy and eliminating the toxins. Because when you get right down to it - its a fucking miracle.

Ridiculousness

I've been in a bit of a food slump the last few days.  And today my slump reached the saturation point when I consumed a mini Caramel Pecan Brownie Blizzard and a Pilsner within an hour of each other. Sooooo, yeah.  I'm on the last day of my period and hoping that tomorrow can be a "do-over" day where I ditch the super-size tampons and brewskis for panty liners and Perrier. 

All of this is intensified by the fact that I've only been out to run once since returning from Zion and I've only done one 20-minute round of strength training.  Its just not the same without Mallory and all the amazing people at Positively Fit.  I just keep telling myself, "Hey Miss Perfectionist, simmer down. You trekked 35 miles in four days at Zion. Take a breather and stop being so ridiculous." So there you have it - a week after making my goal of 75 pounds, I've probably gained two back from menstrual bloating and beer. Ah, the glamour!

How's your week going?

The Year Is Over!

Moment of truth, dear readers! A year ago today, I set a goal to lose 75 pounds in 12 months. And I'm over-the-moon, pee-my-pants excited to announce that I did it! This has been one of the most difficult, thrilling years of my life. This journey has changed everything about my life that needed changing and emphasized all the wonderful things in my life worth celebrating. Its been a spectacular ride.

Okay - so how about some before and after photos just for fun?

A little back story, for the new readers...

In August 2009, 20 months after the birth of my first child, I tipped the scales at 300 pounds. I was happy and satisfied with most everything in my life except my weight. But I was a busy mom with a toddler. I thought I lacked the time and the will power to get healthy.

 Fast forward to to June 2011...

 My body had been through another pregnancy and I was not only caring for my three-year-old, but my 10 month old baby who was dealing with a host of medical issues. I had lost a few pounds, but it wasn't enough. I was feeling lethargic and less than present with my husband and children. I was experiencing low grade head aches, breathlessness, huge energy dips throughout the day and a general malaise of ick. On June 1, after reading an inspiring weight loss blog and eating an overly large breakfast, I decided that I was done being unhealthy - missing out on the beautiful life I had created for myself. I decided to change my ways. And that's just what I did.

So what happens when a 6 foot woman loses 75 pounds?
Here are the stats:

                   June 1, 2011                                                       June 1, 2012

                   288 lbs.                                                               213 lbs.
                   Size 24/26                                                           Size 14/16

                   Waist 48 inches                                                   Waist 36 inches

                   Body Mass Index 39.1                                        BMI 29.2

                   Body Fat Percentage 34.31%                              BFP 25.39%

And the other big loser in all of this is my husband, Jack. Jack has adopted many of my menu changes by virtue of the fact that I'm the one who prepares meals in our household. He did not do anything else except eat less sugar and more veggies. He dropped 30 pounds and has maintained that loss for four months.  Here is a shot of us from June 2011 and another from last night. Together, we've dropped a total of 105 pounds.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me along the way. I am forever grateful. I've had so much fun this year, that I'm going to continue blogging. Next week I'll weigh in as usual and announce my new goal. But this weekend, I'm going to take some time to celebrate the close of my Smaller Sarah year and my 75 pound loss. Thanks again, everyone!

Why do you blog?

This post is part of a reader Q&A. I'm always more than happy to answer your questions about my weight loss process (or anything). My email button is on the sidebar. Just please remember that I am not a doctor, dietitian or a nutritionist. These answers are absolutely specific to me and my personal journey.


Question: I'd be embarrassed to write about myself. Why did you decide to blog about your process?

There are lots of reasons I started the blog as my first step towards losing the weight. One of the main things that inspired me to start this journey was reading another weight loss blog. I was feeling bad about myself and then read about another woman's success and thought, "Why not me?" So I wanted to give back by charting my own progress with a blog.

I was already an avid journaler and blogger, so starting a blog was a logical step for me. It helps me to stay accountable and clearly work through the tougher moments along the way. Sure, its embarrassing at times, but we have to be willing to look foolish if we want to be bold and create something new. And as a reader, I want the "real deal". I don't want anything sugar-coated. I want the writer to trust me and reveal the essence of who they are - and I assume that you want the same. It seems that when I write about the more difficult or humiliating portions of this journey, the reader response is more engaged. And the support I have received from my readers cannot be overestimated. Sometimes the only reason I stuck to the plan, or went to a work-out I didn't want to attend was because I knew I would have to report back here for my Monday weigh-in.

Another reason to share is to create solidarity. Most everything marvelous that has ever happened to me was at the hands of a group of supportive, compassionate women. Women must buoy and help each other. We need to speak with honesty, fearlessness and compassion about our trials and tribulations. I wanted to add a voice of reason and humor to the emotional struggle of losing weight.

Looking in the mirror while naked?

This post is part of a reader Q&A.  I'm more than happy to answer your questions about my weight loss process (or anything).  My email button is on the sidebar.  Just please remember that I am not a doctor, dietitian or a nutritionist.  These answers are absolutely specific to me and my personal journey.


Question: Of course the spiritual, mental, and emotional payoffs must be amazing, but I want to know what, when you look in the mirror now with no clothes on, makes you grin from ear to ear?

This is a really sweet question and I'm definitely in favor of celebrating the boons of my hard work. Yes, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror naked, I'm very happy to see that I am smaller and more toned. It's thrilling to see my shape change so drastically. But that's where it ends. Like many women, I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror while naked. The first look is always fine. But upon closer inspection, I start noticing the extensive map of stretch marks on my stomach and thighs. My breasts, which have nursed two children, look like dishtowels with buttons. My hips, which have birthed two babies, are genetically predisposed to look like tater-tot casseroles. But honestly none of this really brings me down. Why? Because most people never see me naked, including me. My kids see me naked once in a blue moon, and they don't care what I look like. Jack sees me naked, but he generally doesn't care because he loves me unconditionally and gets to have sex with me.

The thing that makes me "smile from ear to ear" is how I look clothed! I love to see my workout clothing fit nicely. I love to wear a pair of jeans that fit well and aren't composed entirely of spandex. I love going to a clothing store, knowing that whatever I try on is probably going to fit. Its such fun to expand my closet to include tailored blouses, skirts and even a pair of heels. Most plus sized women are trapped by the fashion industry. There is really very little available to them, much less something stylish and inexpensive. Until now, I hated walking into a clothing store. Now, I look forward to it!

For Christmas, my husband gave me a turquoise, long-sleeved running shirt. Even though it didn't quite fit at first, I loved it. And as the months pass, it fits better and better. It's such fun to grow out of my old wardrobe and into an entirely new one. Here I am in my running shirt - the first photo taken in February and the other taken this morning after my run.

And just for fun, here's my four-year-old giving me snuggles after my run!

What do you do when you get discouraged?

This post is part of a reader Q&A.  I'm more than happy to answer your questions about my weight loss process (or anything).  My email button is on the sidebar.  Just please remember that I am not a doctor, dietitian or a nutritionist.  These answers are absolutely specific to me and my personal journey.


Question: What was the most discouraging time or event for you and what did you do to push through?
All of my discouraging moments, be they small or big, were at my own hands. My most discouraging moments were when I displayed old behavior patterns concerning food. I'd go a few months without binge eating and think, "Yay, I'm cured!" Then a tough week followed by a killer menstrual period, Mercury in retrograde, or a terrible hospital visit for Charlie or other normal life event would catapult me back into a bowl of ice cream or four.

When I was spiraling, my first step was to ask myself only one question. "What do I really need right now?" The answer was never four bowls of ice cream. The answer was always something else: some fresh air to clear my head, better sleep, a hug, a phone conversation with my mom, etc.  Step two was always to go get the thing I really need. But step two is difficult, because it usually involved asking someone for help, which for most people (especially women who are pretending to be supermom - that's me) is very difficult.

Eating an entire pint (or before the smaller sarah year - a 1/2 gallon) of mint chip alone after the kids have gone to bed is easy and immediate. No one has to see and I don't have to ask for help.  Asking my husband for an extra hour to myself or for a friend to watch my kids for 30 minutes is difficult and takes forethought.

So how do you bridge the time between the impulse to binge (or other vice) and the relief of a planned respite? That's tough. This might not work for everyone, but here is the usual progression for me:

1. Feel the discouraging moment.
2. Feel the impulse to eat something bad for me.
3. Answer the question, "What do I really need right now".
4. Immediately make a plan to get what I need.

Making a plan to get what I need is usually two-fold.  I journal most every day, so I sit down and write about how I am feeling and what I need.  Then I make a phone call (during the daylight hours) or write an email (if it was a midnight attack of the munchies) asking for help. This is why it is SO important to participate in a supportive community. No one has ever responded with an outright "no". If they can't help immediately by having a cup of coffe with me or watching my kids for a spell, they usually offer something else at a different time.  Knowing that relief is coming makes the discouraging moments more manageable.  Does this mean I never falter because I have my "trusty" system in place?  No, of course not.  But those moments are far and few in between.  And in the process of asking for help, I've solidified and strengthened my relationships. And I have been able to return the favor for them!  That reciprocal energy boosts my mood and makes me feel great and means I experience fewer discouraging moments in the long run.